One of the most difficult things that a school-age child might face is the loss of a beloved person or pet. Death is the most dramatic example of these losses, but grief can accompany any prolonged or permanent separation as well--such as when a best friend moves away.
Those who care for these children need to have the sensitivity to appreciate this grief and the knowledge to help them productively cope with such losses. This article is intended to provide some assistance toward those ends.
SCHOOL-AGE CHILDREN'S IDEAS ABOUT DEATH
If the child's earlier caregivers or parents took advantage of naturally occurring opportunities (e.g., dead animals on the road, etc.), by the time they begin school most children have grasped the idea that death is permanent--whereas younger children usually think that it is temporary. However, it often takes a few more years before these same children understand that death is universal; it can't be avoided forever!
Whatever the child's age when a loss due to death occurs, it is important for adult caregivers to not presume to know what any child understands about death. It is important for the caregiver to ASK what the child knows, to ALLOW the child to tell us what (s)he knows, and to LISTEN to what they would like to know before we say anything else. If we then try to explain anything about death, loss and grief, we need to try to make sure we do so on their level.
SCHOOL CHILDREN'S REACTIONS TO DEATH AND LOSS
Children who have suffered a loss (whether you know about it or not) are likely to exhibit at least some of the following symptoms: deep sadness or easily upset; difficulty in concentrating or poorer task performance; misbehavior or punishment seeking; as well as other changes in attitudes and behaviors different from what's normal for this child. If one of the children in your care begins to exhibit any of these symptoms consistently, it would be wise to ask gentle questions of both the child and her/his parents about what might be wrong.
If children have lost a parent or other close relative, it is not unusual for them to assume some of this person's mannerisms, behaviors or activities. Caregivers need to pay attention to what all of these symptoms might mean--especially because neither the child nor their parents may voluntarily choose to inform the caregiver that there has been a loss. How adults respond to children's grief can have a big influence on the nature of that grief. We need to find ways to comfort children during times of loss, not to try to protect them from their emotions.
WHAT CAREGIVERS CAN DO TO HELP THESE CHILDREN COPE
It is important to tune into the individual temperament or personality of any child who may have experienced a loss. What might help one child may not another. Take your cues from the child in question. While it's good to encourage children to talk about the loss, they should not be forced to do so. When a child in your care having suffers a loss may or may not be a good time to help ALL children learn about loss and grief, you need to consider the feelings of the bereaved child.
When working with bereaved children, caregivers need to be attentive, honest, patient, and supportive. A child who keeps a "stiff upper lip" should neither be praised for being brave nor criticized for being unable to express emotions. Emotional expression does increase the rate of healing for most bereaved persons, but it must be encouraged rather than demanded.
If caregivers can look upon situations of loss as opportunities to help prepare children to cope with things that are unavoidable, rather than situations from which we must try to protect children, the likelihood that these children will be traumatized by such events is greatly diminished. On the other hand, when we ignore such opportunities, children's abilities to reasonably deal with loss and grief are likely to be diminished.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Doka, K.J. (Ed.). Children Mourning: Mourning Children.Washington, D.C.: Hospice Foundation of America. 1995.
Grollman, E.A., (Ed.). Concerning Death: A Practical Guide for the Living. Boston: Beacon Press. 1974.
BIBLIOGRAPHY FOR KIDS
Craven, M. I Heard the Owl Call My Name. New York: Dell Books. 1973.
Mellonie, B. and R. Ingpen. Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children. New York: Bantam Books. 1983.
Schura, M.F. The Sunday Doll. New York: Dodd, Mead. 1988.
Stein, S.B. A Book About Dying: An Open Family Book for Parents and Children. New York: Walker & Company. 1974.
Wilhelm, H. I'll Always Love You. New York: Crown. 1985.
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