How you view conflict will determine your readiness and willingness to resolve it. If you view conflict as dangerous, abnormal or unhealthy then you will most likely deny its existence, avoid it at all costs, and be suspicious of any attempt to resolve it. If, however, you view conflict as an opportunity to promote communication, increase understanding and to bring about positive and creative change then you will probably be eager to learn and use conflict resolution skills.

What Skills Do I Need To Learn? To be successful at resolving conflict, you will need to learn three things. First you must learn how to identify sources of conflict. Then you need to learn how to decrease the likelihood of conflict. Finally, you need to learn how to negotiate solutions to problems that have become conflicts.

Sources of Conflict. It doesn't matter if the conflict is between children, a child and an adult or between two adults, once you get past all the hurt feelings, cruel words and mean actions, you will find that most conflict starts because there are:

• real or imagined threats to someone's needs or rights;
  
• problems with how information and resources are dispensed;
  
• organizational or environmental problems;
• competing values or belief systems;and
  
• personality conflicts.

The task of identifying the source or cause of a conflict is not an easy one. It is however a critical task. Without correct identification, there is little hope for any permanent solution to a problem. Table 1, which provides examples of conflict situations involving people at different stages of development, was developed to assist you in the task of identifying the sources of conflict.

Decreasing the Possibility of Conflict. There are certain behaviors, called conflict escalators, that will increase the likelihood that a conflict or dispute will occur. Some examples of escalating behavior are: invading the personal space of another, yelling, name calling, accusing, exaggerating ("You always..."), staring down, interrupting, turning away, sarcasm, getting others involved. If you have ever been on the receiving end of one or more of these behaviors, you will undoubtedly remember how upset you felt and how difficult it was to work with the other person.

Fortunately, there are behaviors which can actually decrease the likelihood of problems becoming conflicts. They are called conflict de-escalators. Examples of proven conflict de-escalators are: the use of "I" rather than "you" statements; a sincere apology, taking a "time-out" or a "cool off" period before responding, using humor, choosing a time and place for a private and unhurried discussion and conversation. De-escalators are effective because they set a positive and respectful tone and allow the problem to be defined and discussed from the viewpoint of all parties. As you will see, this marks the beginning of the conflict resolution process.

Learning to Negotiate Solutions to Conflicts. Most people are unable to negotiate a solution to a conflict without the assistance of an outside party. Subsequently, the selection of a conflict negotiator is an important first step in the conflict resolution process.

The person selected for the role of conflict negotiator must be perceived by all parties as being impartial, objective and as having no vested interest in the eventual solution or outcome. The negotiator must believe that the parties involved in the conflict are capable of resolving their own problems and, he/she must be capable of maintaining a calm, controlled and reasoned demeanor throughout the entire conflict resolution process.

Once selected, the negotiator will most likely meet with the participants to determine a mutually agreed upon time and place for the meeting. If the disputants are young children, it is best if the negotiator begins the resolution process right away. By so doing, the children's attention remains focused and the risk of a fight erupting is reduced.

As part of the negotiation process, the negotiator will help the disputants--

1. Define the problem(e.g., "Carlos, what do you think the problem is?". "Okay, Lucia, it is your turn. What do you think is the problem?")
   
2. Identify their feelings(e.g., "How do you feel about what happened?" or "You look like you're angry Sandra. Are you angry?")
   
3. Brain storm possible solutions(e.g., "What could we do about this problem so you're both happy and no one gets hurt?")
   
4. Evaluate their solutions(e.g., "What do you think might happen if you try this solution?")
   
5. Choose a mutually agreed upon solution preferably one which takes all points of view into account(e.g., "Leo, you will ride the bike first and Carol, you can ride in the wagon. Then after 15 minutes, you will trade places. How do you like that idea, Carol? ... How do you feel about that Leo?")
   
6. Put their solution into practice (e.g., "How will you begin to set up the outdoor supervision schedule, Maria?)
   
7. Evaluate how the solution worked, reflecting on what happened and how they feel about it (e.g., "How did it go when you two took turns riding the bike and being pulled in the wagon? Leo, are you happy with how it turned out? How about you, Carol?")

After helping to negotiate a successful solution to a conflict, the negotiator needs to recognize each person's efforts at solving a problem together. If the participants are comfortable, the negotiator should encourage them to discuss their dilemma and solution with the larger group.

Summary.As you can see, learning to resolve conflict is an important life skill which can promote communication, increase interpersonal understanding and bring about positive and creative change. The next time a problem or conflict arises seize the opportunity and use the conflict resolution skills that you have just learned. Everyone will be glad that you did!

Carlsson-Page, N. & Levin, D. (1992). Moving From Time Out to Win-Win. Early Childhood Exchange,March 38-42.

Koch, S. & Martinez, C.L. (1993).American Humanics, Fall Issue.

Shore, M. (1992).I Can Problem Solve. Champaign, IL: Research Press.

Type of Conflict:	Between Children:	Between Child(ren) & Adult:	Between Adults:
Real or imagined threats	Jared punches Keil because he Aknows@ Keil was going to hit him first.	The class heard that the new teacher was mean so they decide to get her fired by Aacting up@ when-ever the director is present.	Miki & Carmen both want the PM aide job. Miki accuses Carmen of unfair competition when she brings a cake to the next staff meeting.
Problems with how information & resources are dispensed	Pushing and shoving start whenever the scooter is taken out of the storage shed.	Sara, is in the 6th grade and is Juice Monitor for the young kid table. The kids accuse her of having favorites which she denies. A shouting match erupts.	Mike resents being the Alast to know@. He explodes when his request for seeds is denied because it was on the wrong form. No one told him about the form change.
Organizational or environmental problems	The carpentry table is next to the reading corner. Yells of A Quiet!@ and ANo, you keep quiet!@ are a daily occurrence.	A teacher threatens to stop a book club from meeting when they decided that "members not teachers" should select the books for discussion.	Tired of having "no say" in policy decisions, the staff boycott a required training. The Director with Board approval fire the "ring leaders".
Competing value or belief systems	An argument about the greatest gymnast Aever@ causes two friends to stop talking for a week.	Buck is told to remove his earring or to leave the gym. He refuses. A fight starts as the coach forces him to leave	The AM aide uses "time out" a lot while the Lead teacher prefers "natural consequences". The kids don't know what to expect.
Personality conflicts	Everyone except Kiko likes the new kid. She hates his guts and let=s him know about it every chance she gets. When asked why she acts this way, she says, "I don't know I just don't like him!".	The new teacher has lots of energy however she is constantly scolding the "slow pokes" in her group to hurry up. Resentment is growing on both sides.	Jason & Patrece are exact opposites in energy and outlook. They bicker so much that the parents have asked the Director to do something about the situation.

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