In many ways, adoption is just another example of diversity in the child-care setting. You can deal with it successfully by using positive adoption language, reading some of the recommended books about adoption, and asking adoptive parents to come in and talk about the way their child joined their family. In our last issue, we discussed the feelings of grief, loss, and rejection that children who were adopted usually experience at certain developmental stages. Caregivers can help by creating a climate in which children are less likely to encounter "the small prejudices that serve as constant reminders of their adoptive status" (McCormick and Wingert, 1991). They can help counter the idea pervasive in our society that adoption is a second-best way of joining a family. In our last issue, we talked about the importance of using positive adoption language. But there are other things you can do to help children who were adopted feel good about themselves.
More Sensitivity Training
Ask parents in initial interviews if there is anything special you should know about their child. Then go on to list a few such situations divorce, adoption, relatives living in the home that the child may mention. This way, the parent has a chance to respond to something specific. This is also a good chance to learn how comfortable the parent is with the adoption. You can then recruit enthusiastic parents to share their family's adoption experience with the group. You might say, "We have diversity in our classroom, and this sounds like a really neat thing for the kids to learn about. Would you like to come in and talk about the way Karen joined your family, any arrival-day traditions you have, or any special ways you celebrate Karen's cultural heritage (in an international adoption)?"
Reflect family diversity in literature, posters, and playthings. And structure activities so that children with different life experiences are not left wondering what to do and feeling left out. One parent remembered a "Star of the Week" activity that made her child uncomfortable. The honored child was asked to bring in a baby picture for the display that would celebrate his achievement. Because he had been adopted as a toddler, he didn't have baby pictures. Try to be sensitive and creative. The caregiver could have asked instead for pictures of times in the children's lives that really made them happy or proud.
On holidays like Mother's Day or Father's Day, children often make something special for one of their parents. In single-parent adoptions or in other situations, the parent being honored may not be in the picture. Make a point of saying, "You could make this present for your dad or for another person who really means a lot to you." The child is then free to pick another adult who is important in her life.
"Adopt-a" projects, in which children can "adopt" anything from a zoo animal to a library book, offend some parents. They can also confuse children who were adopted. Because young children are not abstract thinkers, such projects can make children wonder about the permanence of their own situation. When a family "adopts" a dog from the Humane Society and later returns him because he bites or destroys property, what does that say to the child about adoption? If a child who was adopted is teased because of such a project ("You're adopted just like our elephant!"), it can damage self-esteem and feed into any confusion he may be feeling about his identity. Is he not as good as David who was born to his parents? If a project is worthwhile and you would like to involve your class in it, consider changing the language to avoid confusing children or offending parents.
Build flexibility into family-tree projects. Preschool and kindergarten children can illustrate caring relationships by drawing a loving tree (Figure 1). Older children can follow other models. Most children who were adopted will simply want to claim their adoptive parents' family tree. It is healthy for the child who was adopted to "claim" his family as his own. It demonstrates attachment.
Other children who joined their families by adoption may want to include their birthparents in less traditional ways. When a child includes genetic relatives, the child is "claiming" that part of her self. Cheri Register, author of Are Those Kids Yours?, helped her daughters draw a peony bush to illustrate their family (Figure 2). The bush's roots went down into the soil and intertwined with other roots. They marked each family member's roots with their ancestors' countries of origin. She then marked her Korean daughters' roots with the word birthparents and a South Korean flag.
Some school experiences can be difficult for children who were adopted. For example, discussions of genetics in science classes often become personalized. Teachers may ask students to chart their parents' and grandparents' eye color to explain why their own eyes are brown. A child who doesn't have much information about his birthparents obviously doesn't have any way to do the assignment. You probably will never know why a child is feeling "bummed out" on a day like this. Explore in a gentle way without pressuring the child to reveal very personal feelings. Express your concern in a general way; and remember, even when a child is older, it helps to hear that sad feelings are a normal part of life.
Last but not least, don't make the mistake of thinking that every sad feeling a child has is related to his adoption. All children have their ups and downs, and a bad day or a childhood phase may have nothing to do with the way he joined his family. Make each child feel valued as an individual with life and family experiences uniquely his own. As you do this, all the children in your care will benefit, no matter how their families were formed.
Recommended Reading
Here are some good books to read to preschool children and first graders. Some may be appropriate for grades 2 and 3.
A Family for Jamie by Suzanne Bloom
When Joel Comes Home by Susi Gregg Fowler
The Day We Met You by Phoebe Kohler
Two Birthdays for Beth by Gay Lynn Cronin
When the Sun Kisses the Sea by Susan Gabel
A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza
Horace by Holly Keller
Families by Meredith Tax
Families: A Coloring Book for Families to Share by Joan McNamara
The following books are recommended for grades 4 through 6.
How It Feels to Be Adopted by Jill Krementz
And I'm Stuck with Joseph by Susan Sommer
Being Adopted by Maxine Rosenberg
Living in Two Worlds by Maxine Rosenberg
We Don't Look Like Our Mom and Dad by Harriet Sobel
These books are good for grade 7 and up.
Kim/Kimi by Hadley Irwin
Find a Stranger, Say Goodbye by Lois Lowry
Molly by Any Other Name by Jean Okimoto
So You're Adopted by Fred Powledge
Adoption by Elaine Scott
The following literature is recommended for adults.
Adoptive Families magazine
The Psychology of Adoption by David Brodzinsky and Marshall Schechter
Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky, Marshall Schechter, and Robin Henig.
The Adoption Life Cycle by Elinor Rosenberg
Flight of the Stork by Anne C. Bernstein
Talking to Young Children about Adoption by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher
The Whole Life Adoption Book by Jayne Schooler
References
McCormick, John, and Pat Wingert. Whose Child Am I Anyway? Summer 1991. Newsweek, v. 117, Special Issue, pp. 58-60.
Register, Cheri. Are Those Kids Yours?: American Families with Children Adopted from Other Countries.1991. New York: Free Press. 240p.