Not so many years ago, adoption was shrouded in secrecy, and caregivers rarely commented on a child's adoptive status. Today children usually know if they joined their families through adoption. They may even know their birth parents. If not, their parents have probably told them as much about their background as they can deal with and understand. They have probably stressed that there are many ways of building families. Families formed through adoption, parents say, are not better or worse than families formed in other ways. They're just different.
In many ways, adoption is just another example of diversity in the child-care setting. You can deal with it successfully by using positive adoption language, reading some of the recommended books about adoption, and asking adoptive parents to come in and talk about the way their child joined their family.
In other ways, though, adoption presents certain challenges. Some children who were adopted feel they're different. At different stages in their development, they may feel this difference strongly and certain issues may arise. Almost all children who joined their families by adoption deal with feelings of loss,rejection, and grief as they try to make sense of their past. Children who are part of open adoptions may feel their loss differently. If the birth mother is given a name, a face, and a status as a very special member of the extended family, says David Brodzinsky, the loss that is felt will not be the same. How it will be felt, though, is still unknown.
Children may deal with these feelings so quietly that you are not even aware of them. You probably will not be able to help them resolve these issues; that is work the children have to do themselves. You can, however, help create a climate in which these children are less likely to encounter "the small prejudices that serve as constant reminders of their adoptive status"(McCormick and Wingert, 1991).
Ages and Stages
David Brodzinsky and his colleagues at Rutgers University have studied what children understand about their adoptions at various times of their lives. Preschoolers can usually recite their adoption story although they may not understand it. When children encounter the "small prejudices" held by their playmates,self-esteem can become an issue (Siegel, 1989). They have always heard such positive accounts of adoption at home. Now they begin to realize that most people believe adoption is a second-best way to join a family. At this point, countering prejudice by educating the other children through books and speakers may be appropriate.
From five to seven, children are just beginning to understand what it means to be adopted. These children may believe their birth parents made an adoption plan for them because there was something wrong with them. They may have feelings of rejection and problems with self-esteem. Be alert and help children who were adopted to think positively of themselves and their adoptions.
From age eight to eleven, children begin to have a notion of "blood relations." At the age of eight or nine, children who were adopted realize they have lost something society deems valuable. As this "hits" them, it is normal for them to grieve for this loss. Make sure they know it's okay to talk about sad feelings,even if they don't want to talk about these particular sad feelings with you. Introduce the subject of loss in a general way. Talk about the loss of a pet, a best friend, or a grandparent. Children who were adopted are sometimes reluctant to talk to their parents about sadness surrounding their adoptions because they don't want to hurt their parents' feelings. Their parents, however, can usually handle the child's feelings. Tell them about any struggles the child is experiencing. Remember,parents not teachers, not child-care workers are the appropriate source of information about a child's adoption.
As teenagers, children begin to separate from their parents. Part of an adolescent's "task" in separating from his parents is learning who he is in relation to those parents. A teenager who was adopted has to learn who she is in relation to two sets of parents before she can build her own identity. It is normal for an adopted teenager to be interested in his birth parents. He needs to know that adoption is a subject he can talk about with the people who are important to him.
The Impact of Open Adoption
Openness in adoption means different things to different people. It can simply mean that most families today treat adoption as a fact of life instead of a shameful secret. They may attend adoption support groups so they can become acquainted with other families like them and learn about the issues they will face. They may champion the opening of adoption records and the child'sright to search for birth parents when he is older. In international adoptions, families may weave the child's cultural heritage into their family fabric.
When most people hear the term "open adoption," however, they think of a situation in which birth parents remain informed about or involved in the child's life. Brodzinsky defines open adoptionas "an on going relationship among the three points of the adoption triangle: the birth parents, the adoptive parents, and the adoptee." He reserves judgment on what this practice will mean for the children involved in it. Open adoption is too new and the children too young, he says, for researchers to know how contact with birth parents will change the adoption experience. InAdoption: The Life Long Search for Self, he offers a few cautious speculations.
Open adoption, he says, may eliminate the fear of the unknown that has sometimes troubled children in traditional adoptions. If you know your birth mother, you don't have to walk down the street wondering if you'll run into her. If you have questions about why she gave you up, or whether she was artistic like you, or whether cancer runs in the family, you can simply ask her.
But, he says, frequent contact with a birth parent may increase a child's confusion and anxiety. If she gave you away, what is she doing here? If she is here, can she take you back? At times, a young child may feel torn between two sets of parents. And, he says, as a child learns to manipulate her parents, she may play off one set of parents against the other. If adoptive parents decide to end the open relationship, a child may experience new feelings of loss and betrayal.
Most of the children involved in open adoptions are still under ten years old. Until researchers can follow these children in large numbers for a long time, Brodzinsky says, we will not really know what open adoption meant for them.
Positive Adoption Language
In an article called "Speaking Positively: An Introduction to Positive Adoption Language," adoption educator Pat Johnston points out that advertisers choose their words carefully to portray a positive image of their product. Car dealers sell Mustangs, for example, instead of Tortoises. The language we use in the child-care setting can similarly encourage children to view adoption in a positive light.
Adoption should not be thought of as a condition, Johnston says. Adoption is a method of joining a family just as birth is. It is also a method of family planning. In most situations, there is no need to refer to adoption at all. You would never say, "This is Mary's cesarean-section daughter." Similarly, there is seldom agood reason to say, "This is Dan's adopted son." Simply say,"This is Dan's son." When it is appropriate to mention adoption, Johnston recommends saying "Kathy was adopted," using the past tense to describe the way she became part of her family. Using the present tense, "Kathy is adopted," labels the child, Johnston says. It also perpetuates the idea that Kathy is different because of the way she joined her family.
According to Johnston, the persons who conceive and give birth to a child are his birth parents: his birth mother and birth father.The persons who raise and nurture a child are his parents. Avoid using real parent, real mother, real father, real family, natural parent, and natural child. These terms imply that adoptive relationships are less important than birth relationships. Referring to birth children as one of your own has the same negative implication.
Surrender, relinquish, give up, and abandon are all emotionally charged terms that conjure up negative images, says Johnston. Today's birth parents usually receive counseling and are well informed about their options. Say made an adoption plan or chose adoption ("Linda chose adoption for her baby"). Say joined her family instead of was placed for adoption. Birth parents who do not choose adoption do not keep their babies (children are not possessions). They choose to parent them ("After considering her options, Paula chose to parent her child herself").
In Our Next Issue . . .
We'll continue our series on adoption issues. We'll talk about planning activities so that children with varied life experiences can participate without feeling left out. We'll also list several books about adoption that you might like to read with the children in your care.
References
Brodzinsky, David, Marshall Schecter, and Robin Marantz Henig.Adoption: The Lifelong Search for Self. 1993. New York: AnchorBooks.
Johnston, Patricia Irwin. Speaking Positively: An Introductionto Positive Adoption Language. 1994. Indianapolis, IN:Perspectives Press.
McCormick, John, and Pat Wingert. "Whose Child Am I Anyway?"Summer 1991. Newsweek, v. 117, Special Issue, pp. 58-60.
Siegel, Stephanie. Parenting Your Adopted Child. 1989. NewYork: Prentice Hall.