Children thrive on adult attention. They need it. In fact, some children will do almost anything to get it. The child who receives adult praise and attention for positive behaviors is likely to keep acting in desirable ways. On the other hand, the child who gets attention primarily when s/he misbehaves learns that irritating and inappropriate actions work best for getting adults to pay attention.
As caregivers, we can decide which behaviors to notice and how to respond to children’s actions. If we want to help children develop positive behaviors, we need to find children using desirable behaviors like sharing, cleaning up after themselves and helping others. Sometimes we may need to ignore undesirable behaviors (unless they are aggressive or dangerous) while we search for and focus on the child’s budding attempts at helpful and appropriate actions.
Caregivers can help children develop positive behaviors by using some of the following ideas:
1. Be specific with praise. Children need specifics. Saying, Gen, you put all your art materials away, even your apron. I like that. Thanks, helps Gen know what part of her actions got your approval. Telling her that she is such a good girl does not underscore, reinforce, or strengthen her appropriate disposal of art materials. Research tells us that children who are praised for specific behaviors become better problem solvers than those who are praised for general personality characteristics like being smart or being good.
2. Don’t dilute compliments. Although she put the materials away, Gen forgot to wipe some spilled paint drops off the table. When we focus on the positive action -- Great job putting the art supplies back! Gen can relish the praise and feel good about her accomplishment. It might be wise to remind her about wiping tables another time.
3. Expect positive behaviors. Children generally live up (or down) to our expectations. Every child does some appropriate things every day. It is our job to pay attention to those appropriate behaviors. Although two-year-old Jamie grabbed at Ashley’s snack and screamed at Nathan, she also shared Legos for the first time and hung Kinesha’s coat back on the hook. A child who gets attention for screaming and grabbing learns to scream louder and grab more often. Adult attention for sharing and prosocial actions helps those positive behaviors multiply.
4. Be honest with approval. Children know when adults are sincere and when they are not. They need to be able to trust the adults in their lives. So, say what you mean and mean what you say. Avoid gushing over an art project if you don’t like it. Instead, ask, "How did you get the idea to paint this picture?" or say, "Tell me more about this yellow part."
5. Notice the effort. Most children are enthusiastic about learning a new skill but they can get discouraged along the way. Give clear feedback. You are working so hard to sand the wood really smooth and use specific praise Nice sanding job at the corners! Noticing and encouraging small steps helps children stay on track and enjoy the process as they work toward mastering a task.
As parents and teachers, we want the best for children. We want them to have good social skills, to be competent, and to feel good about themselves. How we respond to their behavior is a key element in how children choose to behave. The behaviors we notice and encourage are often the ones that grow and last.