As a child care professional you are called upon to give children support in various crisis situations; many of these involve some sort of loss-related experience. While numerous types of losses evoke a grief response in children, this article focuses on a broad overview of concepts drawn from the death-related literature.
Until fairly recently, children were often the "forgotten mourners." In some circumstances, family members and other caregivers simply did not realize the depth of children's grief and as a result did not know how to intervene appropriately. Since children's attention spans are normally quite short, we often observe them participating in normal play activities - even shortly after a significant loss. This can mislead a caregiver into believing that a child is not grieving. This misunderstanding, then, can sometimes deny a child the much needed love and an ongoing sense of security at a very difficult time. Further, children often do not have words to describe what they're experiencing, and as a result, feelings may not be recognized and other cues may not be understood as a part of a grief reaction. In yet other circumstances, children may be overlooked, as family members and family friends console the adults in the family system. If a child's parent is also grieving, as is often the case, the parent(s) may simply not have the emotional resources needed to be sensitive to the child's needs. For all of these reasons, child care providers are significant resources during the child's bereavement process. You are a stable force in a world that has become unpredictable and even frightening to children who do not truly understand what has occurred and why others around them are so sad.
Child care providers need to understand that the grief process is multifaceted. There are physical, behavioral and emotional responses to the death of a loved one. For example, grieving children are often very sad and cry at unpredictable times. Not only is grief personally painful, it often involves a strong sense of insecurity - routines are often ignored, adults who are typically available to give comfort may not be able to do so. Each child care provider, then, plays a very important role in terms of helping to create a secure environment for the bereaved child - at least during a significant part of the day. Children who have lost a loved one to death may become very fearful of someone else leaving them and exhibit a great deal of separation anxiety. They need reassurance that others love them and will continue to care for them. Often this sense of insecurity is reflected in regressive behaviors. A child who has long been toilet trained may again wet her pants or the bed; another may become increasingly dependent on a security object; another may begin to "baby talk" although this had not been a pattern prior to the death. As we provide ongoing love and care, these regressive behaviors will typically dissipate over time.
Since anger is a common manifestation of grief, children who have experienced the death of a loved one (or other significant loss) may engage in angry or hostile outbursts. While reinforcing bereaved children's right to be angry, you may need to remind them that you cannot allow them to harm another person or destroy property as a result of their anger. Children who are normally very calm and regarded as well behaved may begin to engage in various acting out behaviors. As always, you must communicate directly with a child to gain insights as to what is really going on. For example, one caregiver asked a 4-year-old why he kept hitting the doll; the response was "I am so mad that my brother is gone. He makes Mommy cry all of the time. I wish he would come back!" As the dialogue unfolded, it was clear that this was a teachable moment for various concepts regarding grief and the very nature of death (for example, that it is permanent and that his brother could not come back to life).
It may be helpful to realize that a young child's understanding of death is not the same as an adult's. The "mature" concept of death is grounded on the understanding that death is final. Young children have not yet developed the cognitive capacity that allows them to understand that death is, in fact, permanent. Further, well meaning adults can add to the child's confusion by saying things like "Grandpa went on a long trip" or "Your brother is sleeping." While some persons may think it is callous, it is actually more helpful to be clear to the child that death is permanent and say instead "I am so sorry but your Grandpa is dead and he will never come back. I know you love him and he can always be with you in your heart. You can remember all the fun times you had while he told you stories, but he can never, never come back." Providers must be sensitive to children as they communicate the reality of the death. It is important to use concrete terminology and to use as many examples as possible. Another aspect of the concept of death which is confusing to young children is the fact that dead people do not think or feel or act in the same way that living people do. Young children often think that dead people are, simply, "less alive" and may be frightened that a deceased aunt may be cold or hungry. It is important, then, to reassure the young child that this is not the case.
Working with children who are grieving can be very challenging to a care provider. There are a number of helpful resources that can provide additional insight about working with grieving children, these include:
Cook, A. S., & Oltjenbruns, K.A. (1998). Dying and Grieving: Lifespan and Family Perspectives. Ft. Worth: Harcourt and Brace.
Doka, K. J. (1995). Children mourning, mourning children. Washington , D.C.: Hospice Foundation of America.
Fitzgerald, H. (1992). The grieving child. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Jewett, C.L. (1982). Helping children cope with separation and loss. Boston: Harvard Common Press.
Wolfelt, A. (1983). Helping children cope with grief. Muncie, IN: Accelerated Press.
Article submitted by:
Kevin Ann Oltjenbruns, Ph.D.,
Associate Professor, Human Development and Family Studies
Colorado State University