What should I say? What should I do? These are questions child care providers ask when they learn that a child in their care has experienced the death of a loved one. Dazed by the event, parents often overlook or misinterpret the needs of their children. Some believe that preschool children are too young to understand what has happened. They often rely on child care providers and other significant adults to help their children cope with the event. By becoming familiar with common reactions that children have to traumatic events, child care providers can help meet the needs of families in crisis.
Although some researchers believe that infants and toddlers have little or no understanding of death, some interpret games such as peek-a-boo as little explorations with death. Others point to the fact that toddlers quickly learn that some things do not return; they are "all-gone" (Grollman, 1967, pp. 95-96). Izetta Smith from The Dougy Center has written, "We have seen that all children - as young as preschoolers, toddlers, and even infants - grieve the loss of a loved one" (1991, p. 170).
Three to five year olds view death as temporary. They think of life and death as fluctuating states. Television cartoons help to reinforce this idea. They also think of death as a separation. It becomes clear, to them, that the dead person is no longer here, but they are not sure about why the person left. After experiencing a death, young children are likely to have a hard time separating from their parents at preschool. They have a difficult time understanding the difference between a short separation and a long or permanent one. When children hear vague comments that the deceased has "gone away," "died because of an accident," or has "gone to sleep" they may have a very hard time understanding when death is and is not involved in a situation. Convincing them that Mommy or Daddy will be back to get them, that loss of bladder control does not cause death, or that they need to take a nap can become quite a challenge.
Preschoolers tend to assume that they will not die. They believe that death is accidental instead of destined. Young children try to identify those events which cause death such as: being involved in an automobile accident, growing old, or going to the hospital. Care givers who become aware that children are forming unrealistic connections between death and a particular object, place, person, or condition can help by providing reassurance and clear explanations.
The death of a loved one is a traumatic event in a child's life. Children cope in different ways. Possible reactions to death and children's comments that care givers may or may not hear include:
Because of their inability to master the new anxiety, children may return to earlier stages of development. They may begin to suck their thumbs, wet the bed, speak baby talk, or display other earlier behaviors. Children may complain a lot and insist on adult attention. What, then, can a child care provider do and say to help the child? There are many things. First, respect the parents. Find out what their needs and expectations are. Most are happy to share their culture's mourning traditions and appreciate assistance as well as suggestions. Remember that every child comes from a unique background. Find out if he or she has had other experiences with loss.
Avoid the tendency to tell the children to "Be strong! Don't cry!" Children must be permitted to feel their emotions, whatever they may be. Tears are a natural expression of sorrow. They help relieve emotion. Just as adults should not encourage children to repress tears, they should not prod them to show unfelt sorrow.
Encourage parents to allow the children to attend memorial ceremonies. Volunteer to help guide the child's behavior during the event. Let the child know that he or she can ask you questions. Listen carefully for requests for help in understanding.
Allow the child to play out his or her feelings through toys or fantasy. Encourage them to draw and to tell stories. Read appropriate stories to them. Learn what the child is feeling by asking questions about play that you have observed or about their artwork. Help the child to organize his or her memories by re-explaining events, talking about mementos or pictures, or perhaps by visiting the gravesite. Incorporating the death into the child's life is a process that is repeated over and over as months and years go by.
Children who have experienced the death of a loved one need the comfort and reassurance of familiar adults. Child care providers can do and say much to help children adjust to their new circumstances.
References
Grollman, E. A. (Ed.). (1967). Explaining death to children. Boston: Beacon Press.
Hersh, S. P. (1995). How can we help. In Doka, K, J. (Ed.), Children Mourning Mourning Children (pp. 89--90). Washington D.C.: Hospice Foundation of America.
Smith, I. (1991). "Preschool children 'play' out their grief, Death Studies, 15: 169-176.